another day at mom's

Mom slept most of the day today. Except when her CNA "Pepper" as mom likes to call her, came to bathe her. Mom opened her eyes, not to speak, just to look. I wonder, does she know us? She moans when she is moved, or repositioned, so I try to leave it to a minimum. My hospital nurse in me wants to reposition her every two hours, to prevent bed sores, and give her water, so her mouth isn't so dry, and get her to drink ensure, so her body doesn't begin breaking down muscle for energy. But I have been a Hospice nurse, an RN trained in comforting those who are dying, like my mother. I know that comfort is priority mumber one, and God knows, my mom deserves at least that. I know turning her is painful, so I only do it if she nods yes when I ask her "Do you want to turn over?" I know the euphoria that comes to a dying patient who no longer eats or drinks, so I only give her drops of water if she nods her head 'yes' when I ask if she wants some water, however, more often than not, she shakes her head 'no'. She no longer eats. She is too weak to chew, and has difficulty swallowing. I know even a little food or fluid in the lungs can be dangerous, uncomfortable, and make her death a more difficult journey. I have seen it time and time again. Families don't know, they want to 'do something' , to help. Reading is helpful, holding her hand is helpful, she relaxes when I sing to her, especially a song we both know. I often cannot get through a song without crying. I miss you already mom. I need you, I feel. She once told me that when she thought she was going to die in a house fire at the "Bugg House", she prayed for everyone but me. She said " I knew you would be okay. You have your best friend as your husband, I know he will take care of you. Your children know about Heaven, and they are confident when they tell me that we will all be together again someday. So, I know they will take care of you." And she told me she was proud of the choices I had made in my life, especially in regards to my relationship to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Now I understood. I would be okay. But not now, I'm not ok now. I'm tired, and sad.

This is the hardest job I have ever had in my life. I know others have done it before me. My Aunt Mary died at home. I was there, at the foot of the bed, but I was on the phone, I didn't know what was happening. I saw my cousin Linda, curled up beside her, and my mother at the bedside. I'm sure there were others there. I don't remember. I hope my Aunt Mary, Aunt Sue, and my Aunt Virginia will be at mom's bedside when it's my time to curl up beside her. And if my children are here, I will explain to them what is happening. That's another dilema I have, if I can see that mom is dying, do I want my children at her bedside? They are so young. I guess if it is daytime and they are here I will explain it, but if it is in the middle of the night, I will let them sleep. They tell her goodnight, with a hug and kiss everynight, and everyday before school they tell her goodbye with another kiss on the head, I don't want them to forget that. Seth is so close to her. Paige lays in the bed with her to do puzzles, at least she did before mom slept so much.

I know mom has so much "work" to do. I know there are times she must go inside herself, and figure out how to separate herself from this sick, frail, thin body she is trapped in. A journey only she can do alone. And this is my journey, a daughter's journey only I can do for myself. I tell myself I'm doing the best I can, hang in there, God loves me. I feel writing about it helps me to process some feelings I have about it. I am thankful for my husband and children and relatives who are there for me when I need it. I am thankful I can be with mom at this time of her life. I wouldn't miss it for anything in the world. I would do anything for her, my mom, who did so much for all of us. I love her and always will. I better go to sleep now. God will take care of us through the night. Goodnight. 11:10pm