Goodbye for now, sweet mother of mine

My mother took her last earthly breaths on August 22nd, 2009 at approx. 7:03am with my sister Celeste, my brother Mark, my husband and I, and my son Seth at her bedside. She was calm, breathing easily, and relaxed, thanks to Hospice, the combination of medication, the presence of her family, and ongoing spiritual support from Reverend Faber. This post won't be long, as I am in the deep deep depths of despair and sorrow over the loss of my mother. God Bless you for now and please continue to write and leave your comments. Your support means the world to me. Thank You. Suzanne

It's not funny anymore

Yesterday I heard a knock at the door. "Hello, I am blah blah, from blah blah blah, and I'm here to set up a bed for, let's see...." he rifles through a stack of papers that seem stuck to his little clipboard "Billye Caviness?" I say, with my eyelids half open, and my hair looking like who knows what. "Yea" he says " I was scheduled by" again with the rifling, "Hospice?" I so brilliantly guess, even with sleep in my eyes. I'm that way. Smart, without having to be fully awake, or some would say ..smart ass. Okay, inside I was sorry, I was just to tired to say so, and no one had bothered to tell me this was going to be the day, so of course, I had nothing ready. So, without apologizing, I tell him where he can put the bed,... no, really, the bed is supposed to go next door to my house. I get the keys, grab a robe, make a quick check on mom, and lead him over to my house. Upon unlocking the door, and seeing the aftermath of leaving my husband and 3 kids to fend for themselves this last month, my first instinct is to apologize to this guy. I want to say, I'm sorry. Sorry for the dishes left in the sink, and on the bar, oh, and there's one on the floor by the couch, what? can't see it, it's right behind the pile of clothes someone took off and left there, see? right beside the old homework papers the kids don't need anymore, yea those, right there on the piano bench that was drug into the living room to be used as a desk. I wanted to say sorry for the dust, we haven't dusted in a while, and my husbands' and son's camping gear left on the dining room table, as if they were just leaving, (not that they just got back 2 weeks ago), and sorry for the pillows and blankets left on the living room couch, which makes it look like my kids don't have a bedroom of their own.

Then in a split second, I found my senses, showed him where I wanted the bed, right here in the middle of it all. He probably felt sorry for the old broad (as my Papa John would say). I wasn't for a minute going to apologize for the mess. I felt like saying, "We all have been doing God's work, and ours can wait" And it is true. I guess it would be nice to have help with the houses (yes, there have been 2 to keep up) work, but I have POTS, and it makes it hard for me to stand, walk or bend over, especially after taking care of mother and all the activity that takes, what with the laundry, dishes at her house, sweeping, mopping, changing her briefs, repositioning her, medicating her, not to mention the spiritual and psychological needs one has when they are dying, I am contantly exhausted, even when I wake from a nap, an hour later I am fatigued. My children are also very close to mom, and instead of coming home to this empty house, they have wanted to stay with her and do their homework with her for as long as possible. They occasionally want to spend the night with me and her, so they did. What a blessing it was to have her living next door, how many other grand kids can say that today? And I'm not apologizing to some stranger for the blankets and pillows on the couch, because when the kids do come home, they want to be together at night, brother and sister, not alone in their bedrooms (but heaven forbid they sleep in the same bed - so the couches it is. and who knows what they talk about? I'm just glad they know they have each other in times like these). And, I'm not apologizing especially to some stranger for the camping gear that my husband hasn't put up yet, because he works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, and takes the family to church on Sundays - you know why - because that's how he relieves stress - fishing or camping or hunting or scouting for something to hunt. He and my son, and sometimes my daughters just pick up and go, and I am so grateful for a husband that spends time with his children, and not at some bar after work, or drinking some 6-pack to 'unwind' with his 'buddies'. So when you come, my family and friends, I will scoot things out of our way, but sorry, I won't be apologizing anymore. And for those who say, "If there is anything you need...." the answer is yea, I need my dishes done. Who doesn't need that? lol. And for those in my 'family' who say they don't come over because my house is messy - to them I say thank you - I have enough stress in my life. And may God bless them with everything they stand in need of.

So, we'll take care of this house now, with my mother here by our side, which won't be long. Although she can no longer speak, her presence is felt. Her breathing is harder, her lungs filling with fluid, although she is no longer drinking again. She can no longer move, or reposition herself, so I help her do that with the love that a mother rocks her baby. It's a part of this process called dying, a process I revere with as much awe and grace as watching a new born baby come into this world. She is also running a fever. I know her brain can no longer regulate her body temperature. She doesn't have an infection, she is dying. I can tell you she is comfortable, Hospice is wonderful about that, they provide all that mom needs, whatever she needs, and whenever she needs it. If you have any questions, you can ask, don't be timid or shy. Mother never was. She would have told you anything you wanted to know, right up front, and so will I. Mom never listened to gossip, she may have heard it, but she never listened, and there is a difference. So I won't either. Mom tried to make everyone around her feel good, so.... so will I.
And whether you knew it or not, mom has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, her Lord and Savior. If you didn't know, it's because that's what it is..... personal. But I will tell you I have one too, and it is He and Heavenly Father who are helping me now. And I hope that is our one difference. I want you to know that. Love, Suzanne

Sometimes life is funny

Today mom woke up and told me "I don't want to be in this room anymore." Just like that. It was a whisper, but I understood her clearly. I asked her if she wanted to go into the livingroom with the kids, and she just repeated "I don't want to be here anymore." I asked her if she was in pain, and she replied "no" , and she really did appear to be somewhat comfortable, but when I asked her if she was okay, she again replied "no". Instead of tippy-toeing around the subject, I finally asked her if she wanted to go to Heaven, to see Jesus, and Papa John, and she said "yes". This is what makes my eyes teary. I'm sure this whole process of dying is tiresome. I wish I could take her outside one more time, however if you knew my mom, she wasn't a big fan of "outside". She loves AC and TV, and CD's. ha ha. (anymore initials anyone?.....) She would love that.

It's 4:15am, and I haven't slept all night. I've been listening to her breathe, and looking up poems, and music for her memorial service. By the way, do you know there is a difference between a 'funeral' and a 'memorial service'? The presence of a body. That's the difference. If there's a body in a casket (ha ha, where else would it be..) , then it's a funeral. If there is no body, then it's a memorial service. That's funny. As if the body were there, the actual person were there, and it's not a 'memory'. I believe, and so does mom that the body is just a shell once the spirit of the person leaves it. I guess that's why she wanted to be cremated. That was her choice, not any of ours. She wants her ashes scattered with my Papa John's. Of all the times we discussed it, she never could make up her mind where. Just like her, let us figure that out. Somehow she gets out of all the 'hard' stuff. just kidding. but not really. I guess to her it didn't matter. She knows she will be in Heaven, not here. It's those left behind that want a say how things are done when she's gone. That's funny too. I guess you have to be here to get that inside joke. I'm so sleepy now, I'll try to get some rest. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I never knew I had so many great friends, and family. I really do appreciate each and every one of you. Love, Suzanne.

Another sleepless night

I wonder why it is I can't sleep. I'm up all day. I'm helping the kids with homework after school, doing laundry, dishes. I'm watching mom all day, however she mostly sleeps all the time now. I had to move the oxygen concentrator so I could hear her breathe from the next room when I try to sleep at night. I don't know why I need to hear her breathe. I guess, I want to be there if she is in any kind of distress in anyway. I can do something about that. Well, there are some things I can do. I can give her medicine, reposition her to help her to be more comfortable, rub her back, or legs (she loves that), and play her CD. THAT CD. Of all the stories she has, she has wanted to listed to "The Clan of the Cave Bear" over and over. Even putting on one of the Cd's makes her face relax. It's so funny. She'd rather listen to that than watch TV. Even when she was making her own choices, she would listen to the same chapters over and over. Crazy. She told Seth today "I love you too" in a raspy, whisper of a voice. He was hugging all over her today, so I took the opportunity to take pictures. He has such a huge heart.

The kids are in school. Seth is 11, in the 6th grade, and I get a phone call home just about every other day about how he "put his hands" on someone,"... rough housing is not allowed here Mrs. Cluff" as if my answer would be; "Oh really, I thought you taught that in first period. I'm sorry" What the heck, he even got in trouble for sticking his tongue out at his cousin Gabby while in line, after she said " ha ha, you got in trouble". But did she get in trouble, no. I have to psych these teachers out, as if they know it all, and let them know "what works for me" as Seth is not a problem for me at home, in fact, he is very helpful at this time. Then I throw in the whole 'dying grandma' bit, and that slows them down a bit and they become a little more sympathetic. I tell them," Seth does need a lot of direction, and close supervision, and I know this can be hard when you have 30 kids, however, this is what it takes for you to have a quiet classroom. He is not going to behave like other kids. He does have ADHD, and No, Mrs. teacher, we will not be medicating him this year either...we will continue behavior modification, as this works every year, and he gets A's and B's when it is followed through with consistency..."and " the direction and supervision must happen every day, all the time, every day , all the time, All the time, every day.. In fact the other day we agreed that playing around in the line with another boy to the point the other boy fell down, and Seth fell on top of him was not OK, and he should stay after school. So what happened? The teacher he was to stay with said, well, you can go early. This is not consistency, and what kind of message do you think that sends to Seth?" by the way this was a Friday.................. This is the crap I get mad at, then they blame him for trying to get away with it again....I would too. Well, I wouldn't but his dad would, and Seth is just like his dad, curious, creative, impulsive, active and smart. He knows what he can get away with.

Well, that's my spiel for tonight.........I'm even tired just writing about it again. ha ha ha. One day I will laugh at all this, and try to tell Seth to be patient with his son...........Oh my, won't that be payback.

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another day at mom's

Mom slept most of the day today. Except when her CNA "Pepper" as mom likes to call her, came to bathe her. Mom opened her eyes, not to speak, just to look. I wonder, does she know us? She moans when she is moved, or repositioned, so I try to leave it to a minimum. My hospital nurse in me wants to reposition her every two hours, to prevent bed sores, and give her water, so her mouth isn't so dry, and get her to drink ensure, so her body doesn't begin breaking down muscle for energy. But I have been a Hospice nurse, an RN trained in comforting those who are dying, like my mother. I know that comfort is priority mumber one, and God knows, my mom deserves at least that. I know turning her is painful, so I only do it if she nods yes when I ask her "Do you want to turn over?" I know the euphoria that comes to a dying patient who no longer eats or drinks, so I only give her drops of water if she nods her head 'yes' when I ask if she wants some water, however, more often than not, she shakes her head 'no'. She no longer eats. She is too weak to chew, and has difficulty swallowing. I know even a little food or fluid in the lungs can be dangerous, uncomfortable, and make her death a more difficult journey. I have seen it time and time again. Families don't know, they want to 'do something' , to help. Reading is helpful, holding her hand is helpful, she relaxes when I sing to her, especially a song we both know. I often cannot get through a song without crying. I miss you already mom. I need you, I feel. She once told me that when she thought she was going to die in a house fire at the "Bugg House", she prayed for everyone but me. She said " I knew you would be okay. You have your best friend as your husband, I know he will take care of you. Your children know about Heaven, and they are confident when they tell me that we will all be together again someday. So, I know they will take care of you." And she told me she was proud of the choices I had made in my life, especially in regards to my relationship to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Now I understood. I would be okay. But not now, I'm not ok now. I'm tired, and sad.

This is the hardest job I have ever had in my life. I know others have done it before me. My Aunt Mary died at home. I was there, at the foot of the bed, but I was on the phone, I didn't know what was happening. I saw my cousin Linda, curled up beside her, and my mother at the bedside. I'm sure there were others there. I don't remember. I hope my Aunt Mary, Aunt Sue, and my Aunt Virginia will be at mom's bedside when it's my time to curl up beside her. And if my children are here, I will explain to them what is happening. That's another dilema I have, if I can see that mom is dying, do I want my children at her bedside? They are so young. I guess if it is daytime and they are here I will explain it, but if it is in the middle of the night, I will let them sleep. They tell her goodnight, with a hug and kiss everynight, and everyday before school they tell her goodbye with another kiss on the head, I don't want them to forget that. Seth is so close to her. Paige lays in the bed with her to do puzzles, at least she did before mom slept so much.

I know mom has so much "work" to do. I know there are times she must go inside herself, and figure out how to separate herself from this sick, frail, thin body she is trapped in. A journey only she can do alone. And this is my journey, a daughter's journey only I can do for myself. I tell myself I'm doing the best I can, hang in there, God loves me. I feel writing about it helps me to process some feelings I have about it. I am thankful for my husband and children and relatives who are there for me when I need it. I am thankful I can be with mom at this time of her life. I wouldn't miss it for anything in the world. I would do anything for her, my mom, who did so much for all of us. I love her and always will. I better go to sleep now. God will take care of us through the night. Goodnight. 11:10pm

Where to Begin

Well to tell you the truth, these will be little short entries, as I don't have much time for writing these days. It's almost 5:00am, and I've been up since 2:00am, tending to mom. She frequently removes her oxygen, or puts her legs over the side of the bed, which makes me nervous. I know she couldn't get out of bed if she wanted, but it still makes me nervous. She could scrape her leg, or cause injury to her frail, thin skin. She isn't speaking much to me these days, and sometimes I think it's on purpose. When my sister is here, she talks to her, or my brother Mark. Yesterday, while I was doing her nails, she was just watching me, and I was venting about an aunt of mine that had hurt my feelings. All of a sudden, she would ask me questions, like " what did she say?", I didn't act surprised, or ask why now is she talking to me, I just seized the opportunity to have a conversation with my mother as I once did, as a best friend. She would ask questions, listen intently to my answers, and answer my questions I posed to her. My eyes began tearing up, thinking to myself, 'is this our last talk?' I told her how much I loved her, which I do often, but it was important for me to say it now, while she was coherent, and understanding. She tells me she loves me too, more than I will ever know. I wonder when our last goodbyes will be. I tell her I will be okay. I ask her if she is afraid, she always says "no". She tells me she is ready to go to Heaven, to be with Papa, and her mother and daddy, and her sisters. I know she will be okay.

I repositioned her again, just now, she is tired again and falls asleep easily. I thank God for one more conversation with my mother, and say my prayers. Maybe I can sleep a little before the kids and Scott get up. Goodmorning.